Dear Hoops
3.8.10: Dear Hoops
Greetings again book people! Can you believe they keep asking me to send in more and more advice to be posted here? I should start by thanking those of you who have written in to dearhoops@gmail.com with questions because you’re the ones who are making this happen! And without further ado, here is this weeks column…
Dear Hoops,
My friend’s long-distance boyfriend just dumped her in a big way. She’s taking it really hard, so I don’t want to tell her ‘I told you so’, except I did—months ago when this entire thing first started. How do I make her feel better about herself without sounding like a bitch?
-Bitch Sound-a-like
Dear Bitch,
A real friend doesn’t rub it in when the friend they care about so much is in pain. You deal with this like you would deal with any other break up. It doesn’t matter that you saw it coming. You’re not omniscient. It very well could have worked out—some LDRs do even if the percentages aren’t particularly good.
So you deal with this like you would any other breakup. You put your pajamas on, pick up some ice cream and funny movies and go over to spend some quality time with her eating decadently, not caring about your appearances and agreeing with her that all men are evil and horrible and that you’d all be so much better without us.
Then what you do, when you notice she’s starting to get a little bit better is that you tell her about the many things that make her special—and you really make her listen. And you really put some effort into what you’re saying to her. You remind her of how amazing she is and how much she deserves from a man who’s lucky enough to date her. Then, you tell her as much as it may hurt, in the long run it’s for the best because she deserves so much more and now she’s free to go get it.
A good friend rolls through the post-breakup mess with their brokenhearted friend. You get right down there in the slop and misery with them. You slowly drag them out with you and then, when they can handle it, you turn into their coach. You motivate them to not only face the world again, but to attack it and take from it what they want most. You build them up and set them loose.
If you don’t want to sound like a bitch, just don’t be one. This isn’t about you and what you knew or when you knew it. It’s not about being right. It’s not about anything but being her rock, her companion, her guide and her coach as she comes to need each one.
Being a good friend isn’t a difficult thing. Mostly, you just have to REALLY listen because your friend will TELL YOU what they need from you and then all you have to do is give them what they ask you for. It all starts with listening to them though and if you go to her with this attitude that you were right all along, she’ll smell it on you a mile away and shut you out. Let it go. It’s over. Listen. Support. Be there for her in the way SHE wants, not the way YOU think she should.
It all starts with really listening. Good luck!
-hoops
Dear hoops,
I’m in need of some manly advice.
I’m a woman and I don’t understand how to be good in bed. I’ve only had one sexual partner, my boyfriend, and he’s only had sex with me.
I don’t understand how to make sex better for him, or for me.
signed,
Lost
Dear Lost,
It’s been my experience that the people who are usually the worst in bed are those who think they are the best. So take heart, there’s plenty of hope for you.
The reason so many people who THINK they are good in bed wind up not being so is because they get that confidence from what they probably learned with one partner, and don’t realize that each new partner is a whole new experience and adventure. The point is that there isn’t some secret formula or repertoire of tricks and talents you can amass to be good in bed. That’s a myth.
Sex is a team sport and it starts with chemistry. You can know every trick in the book, but if your partner isn’t into tricks, then you’ve just wasted a lot of time. Different people enjoy different pacing, levels of intensity and positions. Some people enjoy dominating their partner while other enjoy being dominated. Some are aggressive while others are passive. Some like it soft and slow while others like it fast and furious. Some like all of the above in a certain and specific order based on the time, temperature, location and barometric pressure. It’s a nightmare!
The fact of the matter is that while sometimes people have an immediate sexual chemistry, the first time you’re with someone should NEVER be the best time and if it is, then you aren’t doing it right. The key to being a good lover has everything to do with being mature enough to talk about sex with your partner. It has everything to do with experimenting and trying new things and gauging your partners responses.
There’s no wrong way to do it. It can be fun and flirty, you can giggle and laugh the whole time. It can be hot and steamy like something you read out of a romance novel. It can be wild and crazy and involve a pair of handcuffs, a blindfold and a spatula. The amazing thing about sex is that it’s really a gateway through which you often find out things about yourself you never knew before. Sex is about discovery—both of yourself and of your partner. It’s such an intimate act because of that discovery, because in order to do it right you need to communicate so honestly and frankly. Your lovers will know things about you that your BFF would never even guess at and that is what makes it so magical.
So, the only advice I would give someone like you who is just starting off down this road is to be courageous. Master your fears and insecurities. Learn to talk about sex with your partner. Be eager to make it better for him and be demanding that he do so for you. It’s amazing that you want to be better for him but you’re telling the wrong person. Tell him. No one knows what pleases him better than he does and in return, help him out because no one knows what pleases you better than you. Don’t get caught in ruts. Just because you find one way you like it doesn’t mean you’re done. Never stop exploring and trying and experimenting. Nothing that brings you both pleasure and satisfaction is ever gross or weird.
Sex is a beautiful and wonderful thing and it’s meant to be enjoyed. So enjoy it. Treat each other with respect and affection and let loose your inhibitions. You don’t need or want expert advice from anyone else. Trust me. What you want is to learn it all on your own with someone you love and care about. So, have fun.
Happy Humping,
Hoops
That’s it for now. Thanks to all of you book people who read and write in to dearhoops@gmail.com with your questions. Keep them coming! See you next week! If you need some advice, just send an email to dearhoops@gmail.com and get your advice from a guy who has actually been on dates since the Reagan Administration instead of the professional grandmothers you read in your local newspapers!
3.1.10: Dear Hoops
Hello book people! You’re friendly neighborhood advice-giver is back again with a whole new set of problems and advice to give. No, no—don’t thank me, saving lives and relationships is just what I do! Enjoy!
Dear hoops,
I know its a fear of rejection but do you ever think there’s a time that’s “too early” to tell a guy how much you care? Do you have suggestions on how to go about saying, “I really care about you and am fine (for now?) if you don’t have such strong feelings” maybe I’m selling myself short? We’ve been together about 3 months, eat dinner together, go out, go to dinner parties & sleep together. I guess my question is – how do I go about asking him how he cares without making him feel like I’m doubting his feelings?
-I confused myself
Dear Confused,
First of all, yes you can be too early with your proclamation of feelings, but after three months, I think you’re okay. And asking doesn’t mean you “doubt his feelings,” it just means you’re a girl and want them confirmed. Nothing wrong with that.
So first, an overview: I think one of the biggest problems you ladies have in communicating with us is that you always seem to think that, “we need to talk.” The problem with this is that prior to this talk, you’ve been thinking about whatever it is you want to talk about for weeks. You’ve been stewing. That time you got mad at us and it seemed like it was totally out of the blue, it was really because you had just had the conversation IN YOUR HEAD and your imaginary version of us didn’t freaking answer the right way!
Then it gets to be too much and “we need to talk.” Now, you’ve done all your pre-game prep work, thought it over and BAM—put us on the spot. We now have to compress the weeks worth of thinking you did into a 5 second period of time, while not making any stupid face that will piss you off and come up with an answer that doesn’t have us sleeping on the couch. Unfair!
What you need to realize about the male of the species is that we don’t need to quantify, define, label and tag things that are good. We simply enjoy their goodness and go about our day. There is a really good chance that this guy, though he likes you, maybe even loves you, hasn’t even given the slightest thought to that or what it means. It has nothing to do with him not wanting what you want or feeling the way you feel, it’s just that to a guy’s way of thinking, if things are good, why mess with them? Why even give them a moment’s thought? Good is good.
You ladies work a little differently. Your way isn’t better or worse than ours. It’s just different. Maybe it’s even essential that we mix as we do because it’s just another way that we balance each other out. You ladies (and I know I’m speaking very generally here, please spare me the details if you’re the exception to the rule, I hereby stipulate that I fully understand that some women are not like this, and some men are not like the ones I have described above, okay?) tend to have a nesting instinct. After a couple of months of dating, that nesting instinct kicks in and you want to know where things are going before you make a nest for two only to discover that you didn’t need that much straw and hay after all.
Back to my point though, you’ve given this lots of thought and KNOW where you want it to head. At this point, most of you sit us down because “we have to talk,” and put us on the spot and we are flustered because we haven’t thought about it at all. We say the wrong thing, you get upset a fight ensues and sometimes, eventually, cooler heads prevail and sometimes couples actually break up over this little stupidity. You have a fairy tale/romantic comedy version of how we’re supposed to respond in your head and not having thought about it for even a second, we don’t have it in us.
So the solution is simple. Sit him down. Explain to him what you want to talk about and tell him VERY sternly that you don’t want to talk about it at that moment. Give him a specific time though; tell him you’d like to talk about it in a week or two weeks—whatever you can stand. He’s not going to believe you at first, he’ll think it’s a trick and the best way to show him it’s not is to immediately take him to bed and have your way with him.
I’m guessing at least 75% of couples are formed when guys are too chicken-shit to tell the girl he hasn’t thought about it, isn’t sure of it and would like some time to think it over because he knows that if he says the right things, he’s totally getting laid. Sometimes those couples work out because that’s the conclusion he would have reached on his own anyway, but the rest just meander, sometimes for years moving pointlessly and aimlessly ahead on a trip to nowhere.
Don’t ever follow up “we need to talk” with the actual talk. Tell him what it is you want to talk about, tell him to take some time to think about it, give him a timeframe in which to do it—two weeks in this case—and then leave it be and leave him be to mull it over. Go back to normal immediately. Don’t punish him or be passive aggressive when he doesn’t reply the next day. Give him the time you told him you’d give him.
“We have to talk,” turns into a fight more times than not. It’s usually because we feel cornered, trapped, ambushed. We are unprepared while you are very prepared. If you can put this plan in motion and operate like this, you’re going to find out that when not forced, not manipulated, not put on the spot—he’s going to come to the right (meaning, of course, yours) decision. He’s a freaking man though. He needs to feel like he came to it on his own. He needs to feel like it was HIS decision. He has to feel like he was in charge and in control and you need to let him.
Seriously ladies. Men are easy pets to own if you just take a step back and learn how. You don’t feed a Mogwai after midnight or get them wet right? Well you don’t step on a man’s ego, make him feel like you’re the boss of him, you keep him well-humped, oft exposed to you naked and let him think he’s calling the shots and you might as well get him a leash and a collar and little charm that proclaims that he’s your purse pooch—because he is.
It’s really that simple. What man would ever refuse a relationship where every “we need to talk” didn’t immediately precede a fight? Carry forth ladies. I have given you the keys to a city of gold. You’re welcome.
Love,
hoops
Dear Hoops,
I have a very good “friend” that has told me he loves me. He’s professed to wishing he could “scoop me up and keep me beside him always.” He spends at least 10-12 hrs a day with me between IM at work, playing an online game, and talking on voice chat, yet, when I bring up actually meeting, he refuses. I mean, we have such a great time together, I would think actually hanging out in person could only be better.
So, what gives? What makes a guy want to spend all that emotion and time on a girl, and not want to reap the physical rewards? And is this something I need to give up on, or do you think there’s some room for persuasion?
- Frustrated in Florida
Dear Frustrated,
I’m sorry to say it, but yes, the bells, whistles and sirens are blaring loudly as I read your note. I don’t want to devalue online romance because I know firsthand they can lead to amazing places, but it’s also dangerous because of the little things that we don’t always think about while we’re busy falling.
Online relationships involve anonymity and are conducted at times of the people’s choosing. They are relationships during the periods that you are online together, but they aren’t necessarily so once you power down the computer. And, in fact, you can be chatting with multiple online love interests at once. You can “hide” from the other person when you choose. The point is that the internet is a great place to get to know someone, but it only takes you so far. Eventually, you need that human interaction. Words need to be backed up with deeds.
How could I know what this man’s deal is? I can’t. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s a man with a secret though. Why not meet unless he’s been living a lie? Are the pics he sent you of his good-looking best friend, not him? Does he have a wife and 2 kids? Is he on house arrest? Or maybe it’s as innocent as him being able to portray confidence and charisma online that he’s not able to in person. I don’t know. Something is wrong though.
You’re right to be suspicious. You’re right to put your guard up. My advice is a no-excuses, no-reasons accepted demand to meet. If he refuses and you continue with him, then you are wading in deeper to a pool that will eventually drown you. There is no reason to not want to meet someone you “love.”
Period. I’m not a fan of ultimatums, but if he can’t meet you then you have to assume it’s all been a lie. I’m sorry.
I hope he agrees to meet and is just shy, but I think you already know that he won’t and I think you know what that means.
Huggs,
Hoops
So that’s it for this week! Thank for reading and remember, if you have an issue you’d like Dear Hoops to take a crack at just shoot me an email at dearhoops@gmail.com. Have a great week!
2.22.10 – Dear Hoops
Don’t look now book people, I’m back with another edition of Dear Hoops for SBR/SFBR and the great questions keep rolling in, so enjoy them and the advice I have to offer!
Dear Hoops,
Is emotional infidelity in any way similar to actual cheating? like being in love with someone else while in a relationship, and making plans for a future with that other person while still with your current SO? or like a spouse seeking out other relationships without actually having sex with that person? does it have to be sex to cross that line?
-Looking for the Line
Dear Looking,
This question isn’t an easily answered one because I don’t think the answer is as black and white as you may think it should be. I will say that sex is not the line that gets crossed. Obviously, if you have sex, you’ve crossed that line, but there is something that comes before sex and marks the crossing of the line and that is the breaking of trust. And that can be a nice, neat parameter to use when drawing the line, except I think most people—especially broken down to men and women—have VERY different ideas about what breaks trust.
From a man’s point of view, I think intent is a big part of it. A man can flirt with a women, be touched by a woman, exchange suggestive texts with a woman and as long as that’s all it is to him, as long as he has zero intention of ever making it more than that, he sees himself as being on the good side of the line. I don’t think most women would agree with that though.
Another great example of men and women’s difference in opinion over what breaks trust and where the line is drawn is strippers. Men see nothing wrong with getting a lap dance from a naked woman. They see it as a business transaction not unlike buying a value meal at McDonalds—albeit, with more fun and less Trans Fats. Many women are vehemently opposed to this activity though. They see it as a betrayal.
As a man with integrity, I actually get insulted if a woman I was dating had a problem with me going to a bachelor party or strip club because she saw it as a betrayal, because to me—I know I have no intent of it being anything more than entertainment. I would never cross lines that I believe take me into that unethical area on the other side of the line and I would be insulted if she didn’t trust me to stay on the right side of that line, even in that situation.
Obviously, this doesn’t mean my way of looking at it is right and hers is wrong. It just means that we’re coming from very different perspectives in the matter. I think what’s important, when you find yourself in a situation where you’re trying to decide if your significant other has crossed a line is to step back and look at that line from their perspective, not your own. Just because the line is clearly defined to you, doesn’t mean it can’t be as equally well defined, but in an entirely different place for him. Then you have to ask, did your S.O. betray you, or did he simply live within his own idea of where the line is drawn? If the answer is the latter, then what you need to realize is that as much as you want to be mad at him, if the two of you hadn’t clearly defined the line together previously, that he has just as much right to draw the lines of ethics as you do.
And again, I’ll reiterate, his almost always will be based on intent. He’s going to feel like he can walk up to the edge and lean over the line as long as he never intents to cross it. This is one of those conversations that every couple should have but so very few actually do. Why ruin the romance and happiness of officially becoming a couple in a committed relationship by discussing what cheating means to each of you? We turn that day of commitment into a celebration, but how often do we do the work or defining what that couplehood means?
We each use our own definitions instead. To each of you, the lines are clear and obvious and make perfect sense in their placement, and as long as there are no problems concerning those lines, it continues to never be discussed. But then one day you find a flirty text from his sexy coworker on his phone and see his equally flirty reply. You feel destroyed, devastated, betrayed and he feels—like you’re making a big deal out of nothing.
The bottom line is that a person can’t follow the rules they know about. Every gray area, everything that has not been discussed and hashed out is a place where we put our individual stamp on where the lines are and as long as we don’t cross those lines, can we truly, possibly, really have betrayed you? Is it fair of you to expect us to sync up with your own sense of personal rules and morality in every instance? Of course not.
Most of the examples you give clearly show intent of the person to cheat, leave, cross the lines, so in that, they already have. But in most situations, it’s not so clear. And in the end, it’s a failing on the part of both of the people in that couple for not agreeing upon a specific line instead of each assuming the other would play by their own individual rules.
I hope this helps.
-hoops
Dear Hoops,
I’m involved in an long distance relationship (LDR), and we try and stay connected any way we can—dirty pictures, emails, and of course the phone. He looks at the pictures I send while we on the phone playing, hearing him get excited turns me on incredibly, but I’m a girl. I’m wondering exactly what he’s picturing/imagining.
I want to ask…but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the moment. Is there a good way to go about getting him to share his fantasizing? Should I maybe take the verbal lead by saying mine? Or should I just be contented to know its about me he’s thinking about?
-Textually Active
Dear Text,
I’m not saying that men don’t have elaborate fantasies sometimes because we do. I’m not saying that we don’t picture scenarios, situations, events, actions, etc. We do. It happens.
But let me help you out here. When you send your guy a sexy pic of your boob and then you start “phone playing” what he’s picturing is…your boob. He’s not thinking of the way the light dances off it in some tropical paradise where you’re making love, the way his hands make shadows over them he grasps you again and again. He’s thinking about just the boob. The picture. That’s what’s in his head. Your boob.
If you send a picture of your leg, he thinks about your leg. Your ass? Your ass. Your navel? Your navel. Your cooter? Your cooter. Your sweet little puppy Fido? He’s thinking about the chick from the porn he was watching before you called now. Save the Fido pictures for another time.
Men are visual. Its one of the many reasons why I always advise women to be naked in front of their man as often as possible. See boob. Want boob. Sexy-sexy time. It’s truly that simple and basic on 99% of the times we get off. We aren’t romanticizing. We are reducing you to a body part or collection of body parts that make us hard and happy and wanting to spooge. It’s also a reason why women should be less concerned with their “imperfections.” We barely notice them. We move on to whatever we like, want, get hard for—and ladies, there is ALWAYS something and we focus on it and off we go.
So, that’s what his IS thinking about. That doesn’t mean you can’t guide him into a little roleplay fantasy phone fun. You can start it yourself by telling him what you’d be doing to him if he was there. You can ask him to tell you what he’d be doing to you. Some guys are good at it. Some suck. Some will be receptive, some won’t, but if you want to give it a shot, go for it.
If its something you need/want, give it a shot. If you don’t and are happy with things as they are and just wanted to know, now you do. Either way, happy humping and I hope you make that LDR a close proximity relationship as soon as possible!
Good luck!
-hoops
That’s it for this time friends! Remember, if you have an issue in your life or relationship and you need some advice, just send an email to dearhoops@gmail.com and get your advice from a guy who has actually been on dates since the Reagan Administration instead of the professional grandmothers you read in your local newspapers! Til next time…be good!
2.15.10 – Dear Hoops
Howdy, book reader people! Valentine’s Day is a thing of the past and not a minute too soon for us guys. The stress of V-Day is almost unbearable. We know that if we screw up, we’re not getting any for at least a month! Hopefully, you guys all did well and you gals were all pleasantly surprised. Just remember ladies, only a month to go before Steak & BJ day on March 14th. It’s never too early to start marinating! With that in mind, our first question is from a “friend” of a woman with a problem in that department…
Dear Hoops:
My girlfriend (srsly, this is really about her, not me) has a strong aversion to blowjobs. I’ve done what I can to advise her, and it’s helped to a degree, but she has a hard time getting over it. For her, blowjobs make her feel demeaned, and it’s a “dirty” act. She’s deeply in love with her boyfriend, and wants very badly to get past this, but she’s still struggling. Any advice for her?
-Just Lookin’ Out
Dear Lookin’,
Sure, sure, sure…I’m sure it’s your “friend” who needs help, not you. Don’t worry, I’ll do what I can for your “friend” and hopefully help your “friend” overcome her issues with what your “friend” considers dirty and demeaning. I’m always happy to help out the “friend” of one of my faithful readers.
First of all, a lot of sex acts can be considered dirty and demeaning, it really all depends on how you approach it and honestly, for you ladies, going down on your fella should be an easy one to overcome. A blowjob is all about him. It’s a selfless act. As far as it being demeaning? Well honey (and by honey, I mean your “friend”) you’ve got that all wrong. Sure, a blowjob CAN be an act of submission and you can feel demeaned by that submission, but it can much more easily be an act that is empowering for you.
Darling (and by Darling, I mean your “friend” not you) you quite literally have him by the balls! It’s not an act involving reciprocal pleasure its something you do for him which gives you a certain amount of power don’t you (the “friend”) think?
Don’t approach it like a chore. If you do, you’re not going to be good at it anyway. A blowjob is so much more than the old kneel and bob. You’re down there, in the most tender and vulnerable part of his body, you’re down there pleasing him immensely and you have all the control. He’s helpless. He is at your mercy. You get to tease him, torment him, titillate him and through it all, you call all the shots.
If you want to get symbolic about it, isn’t it just like your relationship? You hit your knees and let him think he’s in charge so his ego stays in check, but down there underneath him, you know you’re the boss and in the end, you’re going to get everything you want.
First off, it’s a toy! It’s a puzzle for you to solve. You need to learn what makes him tick and what leads to him not being able to hold back any longer. Once you learn what leads to his orgasm from oral sex, you have all the weapons you need to make this the most empowering of all sex acts. Now you control his orgasm. You can make it happen as quickly or as agonizingly slowly as you want. You can get him right up to the point of explosion and then back off. You can have him begging you. You evil little minx, you can even get him to agree to take you to the ballet or the opera!
Don’t take my word for it though. What do I know? I’m just a guy. Talk to your other “friends” about this and you’ll see that they fall into two categories: Those who sincerely love giving blowjobs and those who won’t or do it out of obligation. The ones who love it are the ones who are also good at it. They’ll have tips to share. You’ll also find out that they don’t feel the slightest bit dirty or demeaned. They will tell you all about the feeling of absolute power they have over their men folk from down on their knees. Their eyes will light up when they talk about it.
It’s no different than a guy who loves going down on you ladies. Surely your “friend” has come across a guy who loved going down on her before. Was that a dirty act for him? Was that demeaning? No. Not at all. It was empowering. Ask your “friend” how she felt about that guy after he was done? Ask her how she felt about him after he finally took her to orgasm. Did she look upon him as demeaned and dirty, or did she look upon him like he was a god?
Blow it like a trumpet baby!
-hoops
Dear Hoops-
I’ve been talking to this guy for a while. He lives far away from me but we know each other fairly well I’d say. He claims to like me a lot and everything. I know he’s busy a lot with work, but he goes days without talking to me even though I see him on Facebook almost every night. Should I bring it up to him? How long should I give him before just walking away? I really like him but I’m not sure what to do. I do trust him, he’s never given me a reason not to. And I don’t want to bring up the fact that I see him online all the time because that seems stalkerish, right? Should I just give up and walk away now?
-Facebook Stalker
Dear FBS,
You know, I’m a big proponent of you ladies being proactive when it comes to meeting and starting relationships with guys. I’m all for you starting the conversation, making strong eye contact and smiling at us, in putting yourself out there a little bit too because it’s not easy being a guy and mustering up the courage to ask you ladies out.
That said, once there’s been an introduction and meet and mutual interest and liking going on, I feel very strongly about two things: It’s a man’s job to woo the girl and every woman deserves to be pursued. That’s how the courtship is supposed to take place. And ladies, pay attention to your man during this period of time because how he acts is very telling about the way things will be further down the line.
His level of attention, his pursuit of you, those are going to taper off after a while. It’s one of the biggest problems in most relationships and in most cases, whatever problems a couple may have, they can be traced back to this root. One of your challenges as a woman is to make him pay attention, to keep him in pursuit and that is hard enough once he knows he “has” you. If you start off with a guy who doesn’t show much inclination to give you attention or pursue you—exactly where do you think you’re headed in those departments once he feels he “has” you?
So, what I’d say to you is this: You deserve to be pursued and if this clown isn’t going to do it then find a different clown. It’s that simple. I’d walk away from this guy if I were you. And if he realizes it and starts to chase you, don’t just think that the problem is fixed and all is right with the world. All you’ve learned is that he only responds when you threaten to leave. How many times do you think you get to play that card before he calls you to see if you’re bluffing? And once he calls that bluff, it’s over for you.
Ladies, I don’t care who you are, what you look like, what your personality is, there are guys out there who will chase you down to the ends of the earth and do whatever it takes to make you theirs. If you don’t hold out for that kind of guy, when you accept less than what you want and deserve, well…that’s what you’ll get. That’s what you’ll have to live with. Its never going to be the fairytale you imagined and it’s never going to be the romantic comedy movie you just saw this weekend, but the right man, in his own way, will not rest until he has you. Don’t miss out on that. You deserve it.
Now go get it.
-hoops
Okay, book people, that’s it for this week. Keep those questions coming to me at dearhoops@gmail.com and I’ll be back next week with a new installment for you to read!
2.8.10 – Dear Hoops
Hello again book people! Dear Hoops is back with another couple of questions to answer on sex and relationships. Thanks so much to all of you who have been sending your questions to dearhoops@gmail.com! I’ll do my best to get them each answered. But for now, here are this week’s problems…
Dear Hoops,
I have had issues with my boyfriend talking to his ex. I’ve tried to constructively work on this issue with him, letting him know how I feel and trying to explain what the issue is. I know it’s not my place to say whom he talks to so I never asked him to just cut her out. After we exhausted a few approaches to the problem, he flat out said that he would stop talking to her to make the issue go away. And while I offered to try other things, he insisted that it was okay–they weren’t that close anymore and he really didn’t have a reason to talk to her.
I found out recently though that he has still been talking to her and hiding it from me. He finally came clean (which I do give him props for), but the fact he volunteered this and then kept doing it and lied…well it makes me worry a bit about how honest he may be with me, on a lot of fronts.
Now I know this is only a slice of things and everyone is different, but I could definitely use a guy’s perspective on this. Should behavior like this raise a red flag or am I getting my panties in too tight a bunch?
Dishonesty Downer
Dear DD,
Let’s take a look here. You’re a jealous mess over him talking to someone who he shared a part of his life with and you can’t get over it. He thinks the best way to deal with you when you’re being irrational—in his opinion—is to lie to you. It absolutely kills me that you forgot to include the line, “but other than that, we’re great together!”
If I was you, I’d be worried. You have trust issues. He has honesty issues. Where do you suppose that’s going? Come on now, play along in the home version of the Dear Hoops game with me. When trust issues collide with honesty issues the result is what? A breakup! All that’s left to decide is whose fault it will be and how crazy the end will wind up being—we could be headed for the Springer Show!
Are there red flags? Yes. For both of you! His psycho alarm should be going off and your no-good-rotten-lousy-cheating-typical-man alarm should be going off. I’m curious as to whether your mistrust of him pushes him over the edge and he finally says, screw it, if I’m going to get accused of cheating, I might as well cheat and deserve the abuse! Or, if his constant lying to you will finally send you over the top and drive you insane—well, more insane.
You probably didn’t expect this to be coming back at you, but let’s get something straight here. His lying is an issue. It speaks poorly of him, but he lied in reaction to what he considers your misguided jealousy. And here’s the thing, if you don’t trust him, you shouldn’t be so deeply invested in this relationship. If you do trust him, you shouldn’t be so petty and jealous. It’s a decision you need to make. You can’t have it both ways.
The fact of the matter is that women who respect themselves don’t need to ask for advice when a man is lying to them. Women who respect themselves don’t have great big jealousy issues unless there is a real reason to have them and if there is, then women who respect themselves get out of that situation because they play second fiddle to no one. So, my advice to you is to figure out if you’re a woman who respects herself or not. If you are, act like it. If you aren’t, enjoy the drama your life will undoubtedly offer you.
Good luck,
hoops
Dear Hoops
I’m gay. I’ve been debating this for a long time and finally reached the conclusion that I really only like guys as friends and have kinda ended up in unhappy relationships with them. So. Help. How would be the best way to tell my boyfriend that we are over and that I’m gay? I don’t want to hurt him (more than necessary) HELP!
- Finally Proud
Dear Finally,
So. You’ve decided to join the ranks of the rainbow stealers huh? Well, you’re lucky I don’t own the company who makes Lucky Charms or Skittles cause I’d be suing your ass! I’ll make you a deal. You try to talk your people into returning the rainbow to unicorns and leprechauns and I’ll help you break it off with your boyfriend. Okay?
I’m assuming you said yes.
So, here’s what you do. Tell him that you’ve been living a lie. Tell him that you never meant to hurt him or lie to him, but that you’ve been lying to yourself first and foremost and therefore to him. Tell him that the lie you’ve been telling yourself is that you’re straight. Tell him you tried to be. Tell him if you were, he’s the man you’d want to be with. But you’re not and you can’t lie to yourself or to him anymore. Tell him that he was a prize and that you wanted to be straight for him. Tell him that even though you’re gay, the sexual aspect of your relationship from a technical/skill standpoint was amazing, but that the emotional connection wasn’t what it needed to be because deep down, you wanted to be with another girl.
I’d imagine that pretty much covers the issues he’s going to have. You reassure him that his skill as a lover was good, that it’s an emotional thing and I think—although he may be hurt and feel betrayed a bit—he’ll come out intact psychologically. Other than that, be honest, tell it to him like it is, reassure him about his attractiveness. Then tell him that you hope he loves you enough to support you and remain your friend.
There really isn’t a magical way to say it. Just remember to mind his soft spots when you poke him. Take care of him the way you’d want to be taken care of if the situation was reversed. Be honest and upfront, but gentle and kind. Tell it like it is—and do what you can to give the rainbow back to the people!!!
Good luck!
-hoops
1.18.10 – Dear Hoops
Hello there, book people! I’m Hoops and I’m here to help. Well, I’m here to try to help, at least. For the past four years I’ve been doling out advice on the interwebs that’s just a little bit different than our friend Dear Abby used to give. You see, unlike most of the experts, PhDs, so-called relationship experts you might usually see writing a column like this, I’ve actually been in a relationship or two and instead of basing my advice on scientific studies and experiments, I like to use a little thing called common sense.
Oh, and I have a penchant for telling it like it is too. You’ll find no sugar-coating or mollycoddling (I’ve always wanted to use that word professionally!) in the advice I give. I tell it like it is from the “unique” perspective of an enlightened modern, Neanderthal-like man. Scared? Don’t be. Somehow it all seems to work out in the end. It’s an advice column like no other, and I truly hope you enjoy reading it as much as I do writing it. And if you feel the need for a little armchair psychology to help with a relationship problem you’re having, just shoot me an email at dearhoops@gmail.com, and I’ll do my darndest!
Enjoy!
Dear Hoops,
I’d appreciate any input on how to initiate a “what are your thoughts regarding the next step in this relationship?” discussion with my man that won’t put him on the defensive or make him feel like he’s getting some sort of ultimatum. Short background: we’ve known one another for half a decade, have been exclusively dating for three years, and moved in together a year ago. We are both in our early 30’s. I’d like to know what he’s thinking, but don’t want him to feel pressured.
Thanks! 
Tell Him About It
Dear Tell Him,
The mistake most women make in this situation is thinking about it and thinking about it and then thinking about it some more, until they feel like they’re going to explode and then they decide that it’s time to have a talk.
The dread we guys have over those four little words, “we need to talk,” is indescribable. The problem is that you’ve been mentally preparing for this conversation for days, weeks, maybe even months and we’ve been thinking about important things like ESPN, cars, beer, and trying to remember to wipe the history after using the computer so you don’t find out what porn-freaks we really are when you’re not looking.
The nesting instinct typically hits the female of the species long before it even occurs to the male. We live in an “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” world. So, actually, you should take it as a good sign that we haven’t thought about the next steps in your relationship. I’ll even tell you a little secret: In most cases, it’s not the idea of making a further commitment that freaks us fellas out, it’s the immediacy of the pressure of it all. Like I’ve said, you’ve been working this out in your head and talking to your ‘lil Sex and the City friends for weeks about this. It’s new to us!
So the way to deal with it is really pretty simple. First, don’t use the dreaded words! To a man, the words, “we need to talk” really mean “you did something wrong and you’re in big trouble!” Instead, tell ask him if it’s okay if you tell him something. Unless he’s an idiot, he’ll say yes. Then tell him that you’ve been thinking about where the relationship is going and that you don’t really expect for him to have been thinking about it too, but that it would mean a lot to you if he would give it some thought and you could have a discussion about it in a week or two?
In fact, I advise that you cut him off if he tries to talk about it immediately. He’s not going to understand the non-psycho approach and he’ll assume it’s a trick. Show him differently by insisting on dropping the subject immediately. Tell him that you only want him to think about it and talk it through later.
Odds are you’re going to get the answer you want if you’re just patient about it and don’t put him on the spot. In fact, a lot of fights and relationship problems could be avoided if, instead of stewing about something for a week and then attacking, we took that step back, realized that just because it was on our minds doesn’t mean it was on theirs and simply ask them to chew it over and get back to us. The way to make sure he doesn’t feel pressured is to not pressure him! Give him the time and space he needs to think things through and if that extra thought means he slips up and doesn’t erase his browsing history, cut the guy a break when you find out all the freaky stuff he looks at online, okay?
Good luck!
-hoops
Dear Hoops,
I have been with my husband for just about 6 years now. When we first got together, of course the sex was all hot and steamy because we were brand new. Now, I know that it wasn’t going to stay that way forever, but what I wasn’t prepared for was for it to completely die down all together. It’s the same thing over and over again (foreplay included!) and never changes.
I have tried multiple things to “spice” it up, but to no avail (costumes, toys, books, grabbing him in the middle of dinner for a quickie, you name it!) and nothing. When he wants it, he goes in for the kill with the same routine that is frankly… getting to the point of mind numbingly boring and makes me not want to have sex anymore (which sucks!) because it’s the same damn thing every time. (I don’t think that I can stress enough, how routine it is. I can map every movement he does during foreplay–from where he starts to when it ends).
Frankly, I am tired of being the one making all the suggestions for new things, when they never stick around anyways.
What can I do to break him out of this frustrating sex routine that has become too boring to handle?
Sincerely,
-Bored and frustrated
Dear B & F,
It’s time to take control. You keep introducing new thoughts and ideas and hope that they will get him to leave his routine but they don’t. You have to take it a step past introducing things and start implementing them. Take charge now and, hopefully, he’ll “get it” and be able to take charge back from you later.
You need to go on the offensive here. Start with teasing him. Make sure he sees you naked at least once a day. No covering up. And not just topless, you need to make sure he sees you (he can’t see you under the covers) naked as much as possible. Why don’t you women understand how much we need to see you naked??
You also need to start treating him like a piece of meat. Grab his butt when he isn’t expecting it. Reach around and give him a fondle through his jeans. Spank him when he walks by. He’s your little whore and you need to start treating him as such.
There’s no place for being coy here. Send him texts that tell him explicit, dirty things you want to do to him. Put a note in his lunch telling him you demand the happy-happy-humping dance from him when he gets home. Send him flat out naughty pics of your girly bits by email while he’s at work. Find your inner floozy and let her loose. Attack!
Next, comes the bedroom. You’re in charge here now too. TELL him what to do. When he starts in on his foreplay routine, push his no-changing, same-shit-new-day butt off of you—it’s okay to be rough, that’s kinky! Say, “no!” Look him in the eye and TELL him what you want him to do. Say, “kiss me here.” Point. Grab him by the hair and push his face there. Grab his hand and put it where you want it. If he moves it, grab it and put it back. Don’t ask. Tell. If you want to be spanked, TELL him. Demand it. If you want to be kissed on the neck, TELL him.
If he fights you, fight back. Push. Struggle. Fight. Don’t just lie there and let him do what he does every other time. Be demanding. Be in control. Be aggressive. Get him ready to rumble and in danger of blast off. Be a wild-woman!
He can’t do the same old thing to you in a patterned routine unless you allow it. Fight it. Fight him. Fight to get on top, or if you on top is the routine when you mount up, mount his damn face. If you fight him and he’s dead set on doing it the scripted way, he has to fight back—and by fighting back, he switches things up doesn’t he? By being aggressive and on offense and in attack mode, you may even teach him something and he may mimic you. He may decide he wants to be the man and be in charge and that’s fine—but he’s going to have to fight you for it and the fight can be all kinds of fun, it’s never the same, it’s exciting, it’s fun, it’s kinky, it’s sexy, and it’s hot.
Sex is a team sport. And in team sports, when one player is having an off night, or even a bad season, it’s the responsibility of that player’s teammates to lift him up and make his game better, to get him out of his slump. They don’t just sit around and hope/wait/pray for it to happen. They don’t make suggestions and wait for him to implement them. They want to win now so they step up and play harder and hope it will rub off.
Quit feeling sorry for yourself and pick up your game. Attack.
Happy Humping,
Hoops
Well kids, that’s it for the first Dear Hoops advice column here on your favorite book review website! I hope you enjoyed and I hope that I was able to help some of you. Remember, if you have a question for me, just send it to dearhoops@gmail.com and you may be up next for some advising on these very pages! Until then be good to each other and remember…fail to follow my advice at your own peril, and…uhhh, follow it at your own peril too!
