Column: Dear Hoops

2.8.10 – Dear Hoops

Hello again book people! Dear Hoops is back with another couple of questions to answer on sex and relationships. Thanks so much to all of you who have been sending your questions to dearhoops@gmail.com! I’ll do my best to get them each answered. But for now, here are this week’s problems…

Dear Hoops,

I have had issues with my boyfriend talking to his ex. I’ve tried to constructively work on this issue with him, letting him know how I feel and trying to explain what the issue is. I know it’s not my place to say whom he talks to so I never asked him to just cut her out. After we exhausted a few approaches to the problem, he flat out said that he would stop talking to her to make the issue go away. And while I offered to try other things, he insisted that it was okay–they weren’t that close anymore and he really didn’t have a reason to talk to her.

I found out recently though that he has still been talking to her and hiding it from me. He finally came clean (which I do give him props for), but the fact he volunteered this and then kept doing it and lied…well it makes me worry a bit about how honest he may be with me, on a lot of fronts.

Now I know this is only a slice of things and everyone is different, but I could definitely use a guy’s perspective on this. Should behavior like this raise a red flag or am I getting my panties in too tight a bunch?

Dishonesty Downer

Dear DD,

Let’s take a look here. You’re a jealous mess over him talking to someone who he shared a part of his life with and you can’t get over it. He thinks the best way to deal with you when you’re being irrational—in his opinion—is to lie to you. It absolutely kills me that you forgot to include the line, “but other than that, we’re great together!”

If I was you, I’d be worried. You have trust issues. He has honesty issues. Where do you suppose that’s going? Come on now, play along in the home version of the Dear Hoops game with me. When trust issues collide with honesty issues the result is what? A breakup! All that’s left to decide is whose fault it will be and how crazy the end will wind up being—we could be headed for the Springer Show!

Are there red flags? Yes. For both of you! His psycho alarm should be going off and your no-good-rotten-lousy-cheating-typical-man alarm should be going off. I’m curious as to whether your mistrust of him pushes him over the edge and he finally says, screw it, if I’m going to get accused of cheating, I might as well cheat and deserve the abuse! Or, if his constant lying to you will finally send you over the top and drive you insane—well, more insane.

You probably didn’t expect this to be coming back at you, but let’s get something straight here. His lying is an issue. It speaks poorly of him, but he lied in reaction to what he considers your misguided jealousy. And here’s the thing, if you don’t trust him, you shouldn’t be so deeply invested in this relationship. If you do trust him, you shouldn’t be so petty and jealous. It’s a decision you need to make. You can’t have it both ways.

The fact of the matter is that women who respect themselves don’t need to ask for advice when a man is lying to them. Women who respect themselves don’t have great big jealousy issues unless there is a real reason to have them and if there is, then women who respect themselves get out of that situation because they play second fiddle to no one. So, my advice to you is to figure out if you’re a woman who respects herself or not. If you are, act like it. If you aren’t, enjoy the drama your life will undoubtedly offer you.

Good luck,

hoops

Dear Hoops

I’m gay. I’ve been debating this for a long time and finally reached the conclusion that I really only like guys as friends and have kinda ended up in unhappy relationships with them. So. Help. How would be the best way to tell my boyfriend that we are over and that I’m gay? I don’t want to hurt him (more than necessary) HELP!

- Finally Proud

Dear Finally,

So. You’ve decided to join the ranks of the rainbow stealers huh? Well, you’re lucky I don’t own the company who makes Lucky Charms or Skittles cause I’d be suing your ass! I’ll make you a deal. You try to talk your people into returning the rainbow to unicorns and leprechauns and I’ll help you break it off with your boyfriend. Okay?

I’m assuming you said yes.

So, here’s what you do. Tell him that you’ve been living a lie. Tell him that you never meant to hurt him or lie to him, but that you’ve been lying to yourself first and foremost and therefore to him. Tell him that the lie you’ve been telling yourself is that you’re straight. Tell him you tried to be. Tell him if you were, he’s the man you’d want to be with. But you’re not and you can’t lie to yourself or to him anymore. Tell him that he was a prize and that you wanted to be straight for him. Tell him that even though you’re gay, the sexual aspect of your relationship from a technical/skill standpoint was amazing, but that the emotional connection wasn’t what it needed to be because deep down, you wanted to be with another girl.

I’d imagine that pretty much covers the issues he’s going to have. You reassure him that his skill as a lover was good, that it’s an emotional thing and I think—although he may be hurt and feel betrayed a bit—he’ll come out intact psychologically. Other than that, be honest, tell it to him like it is, reassure him about his attractiveness. Then tell him that you hope he loves you enough to support you and remain your friend.

There really isn’t a magical way to say it. Just remember to mind his soft spots when you poke him. Take care of him the way you’d want to be taken care of if the situation was reversed. Be honest and upfront, but gentle and kind. Tell it like it is—and do what you can to give the rainbow back to the people!!!

Good luck!

-hoops