3.1.10: Dear Hoops

Hello book people! You’re friendly neighborhood advice-giver is back again with a whole new set of problems and advice to give. No, no—don’t thank me, saving lives and relationships is just what I do! Enjoy!

Dear hoops,

I know its a fear of rejection but do you ever think there’s a time that’s “too early” to tell a guy how much you care? Do you have suggestions on how to go about saying, “I really care about you and am fine (for now?) if you don’t have such strong feelings” maybe I’m selling myself short? We’ve been together about 3 months, eat dinner together, go out, go to dinner parties & sleep together. I guess my question is – how do I go about asking him how he cares without making him feel like I’m doubting his feelings?

-I confused myself

Dear Confused,

First of all, yes you can be too early with your proclamation of feelings, but after three months, I think you’re okay. And asking doesn’t mean you “doubt his feelings,” it just means you’re a girl and want them confirmed. Nothing wrong with that.

So first, an overview: I think one of the biggest problems you ladies have in communicating with us is that you always seem to think that, “we need to talk.” The problem with this is that prior to this talk, you’ve been thinking about whatever it is you want to talk about for weeks. You’ve been stewing. That time you got mad at us and it seemed like it was totally out of the blue, it was really because you had just had the conversation IN YOUR HEAD and your imaginary version of us didn’t freaking answer the right way!

Then it gets to be too much and “we need to talk.” Now, you’ve done all your pre-game prep work, thought it over and BAM—put us on the spot. We now have to compress the weeks worth of thinking you did into a 5 second period of time, while not making any stupid face that will piss you off and come up with an answer that doesn’t have us sleeping on the couch. Unfair!

What you need to realize about the male of the species is that we don’t need to quantify, define, label and tag things that are good. We simply enjoy their goodness and go about our day. There is a really good chance that this guy, though he likes you, maybe even loves you, hasn’t even given the slightest thought to that or what it means. It has nothing to do with him not wanting what you want or feeling the way you feel, it’s just that to a guy’s way of thinking, if things are good, why mess with them? Why even give them a moment’s thought? Good is good.

You ladies work a little differently. Your way isn’t better or worse than ours. It’s just different. Maybe it’s even essential that we mix as we do because it’s just another way that we balance each other out. You ladies (and I know I’m speaking very generally here, please spare me the details if you’re the exception to the rule, I hereby stipulate that I fully understand that some women are not like this, and some men are not like the ones I have described above, okay?) tend to have a nesting instinct. After a couple of months of dating, that nesting instinct kicks in and you want to know where things are going before you make a nest for two only to discover that you didn’t need that much straw and hay after all.

Back to my point though, you’ve given this lots of thought and KNOW where you want it to head. At this point, most of you sit us down because “we have to talk,” and put us on the spot and we are flustered because we haven’t thought about it at all. We say the wrong thing, you get upset a fight ensues and sometimes, eventually, cooler heads prevail and sometimes couples actually break up over this little stupidity. You have a fairy tale/romantic comedy version of how we’re supposed to respond in your head and not having thought about it for even a second, we don’t have it in us.

So the solution is simple. Sit him down. Explain to him what you want to talk about and tell him VERY sternly that you don’t want to talk about it at that moment. Give him a specific time though; tell him you’d like to talk about it in a week or two weeks—whatever you can stand. He’s not going to believe you at first, he’ll think it’s a trick and the best way to show him it’s not is to immediately take him to bed and have your way with him.

I’m guessing at least 75% of couples are formed when guys are too chicken-shit to tell the girl he hasn’t thought about it, isn’t sure of it and would like some time to think it over because he knows that if he says the right things, he’s totally getting laid. Sometimes those couples work out because that’s the conclusion he would have reached on his own anyway, but the rest just meander, sometimes for years moving pointlessly and aimlessly ahead on a trip to nowhere.

Don’t ever follow up “we need to talk” with the actual talk. Tell him what it is you want to talk about, tell him to take some time to think about it, give him a timeframe in which to do it—two weeks in this case—and then leave it be and leave him be to mull it over. Go back to normal immediately. Don’t punish him or be passive aggressive when he doesn’t reply the next day. Give him the time you told him you’d give him.

“We have to talk,” turns into a fight more times than not. It’s usually because we feel cornered, trapped, ambushed. We are unprepared while you are very prepared. If you can put this plan in motion and operate like this, you’re going to find out that when not forced, not manipulated, not put on the spot—he’s going to come to the right (meaning, of course, yours) decision. He’s a freaking man though. He needs to feel like he came to it on his own. He needs to feel like it was HIS decision. He has to feel like he was in charge and in control and you need to let him.

Seriously ladies. Men are easy pets to own if you just take a step back and learn how. You don’t feed a Mogwai after midnight or get them wet right? Well you don’t step on a man’s ego, make him feel like you’re the boss of him, you keep him well-humped, oft exposed to you naked and let him think he’s calling the shots and you might as well get him a leash and a collar and little charm that proclaims that he’s your purse pooch—because he is.

It’s really that simple. What man would ever refuse a relationship where every “we need to talk” didn’t immediately precede a fight? Carry forth ladies. I have given you the keys to a city of gold. You’re welcome.

Love,

hoops

Dear Hoops,
I have a very good “friend” that has told me he loves me. He’s professed to wishing he could “scoop me up and keep me beside him always.” He spends at least 10-12 hrs a day with me between IM at work, playing an online game, and talking on voice chat, yet, when I bring up actually meeting, he refuses. I mean, we have such a great time together, I would think actually hanging out in person could only be better.

So, what gives? What makes a guy want to spend all that emotion and time on a girl, and not want to reap the physical rewards? And is this something I need to give up on, or do you think there’s some room for persuasion?

- Frustrated in Florida

Dear Frustrated,

I’m sorry to say it, but yes, the bells, whistles and sirens are blaring loudly as I read your note. I don’t want to devalue online romance because I know firsthand they can lead to amazing places, but it’s also dangerous because of the little things that we don’t always think about while we’re busy falling.

Online relationships involve anonymity and are conducted at times of the people’s choosing. They are relationships during the periods that you are online together, but they aren’t necessarily so once you power down the computer. And, in fact, you can be chatting with multiple online love interests at once. You can “hide” from the other person when you choose. The point is that the internet is a great place to get to know someone, but it only takes you so far. Eventually, you need that human interaction. Words need to be backed up with deeds.

How could I know what this man’s deal is? I can’t. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s a man with a secret though. Why not meet unless he’s been living a lie? Are the pics he sent you of his good-looking best friend, not him? Does he have a wife and 2 kids? Is he on house arrest? Or maybe it’s as innocent as him being able to portray confidence and charisma online that he’s not able to in person. I don’t know. Something is wrong though.

You’re right to be suspicious. You’re right to put your guard up. My advice is a no-excuses, no-reasons accepted demand to meet. If he refuses and you continue with him, then you are wading in deeper to a pool that will eventually drown you. There is no reason to not want to meet someone you “love.”

Period. I’m not a fan of ultimatums, but if he can’t meet you then you have to assume it’s all been a lie. I’m sorry.

I hope he agrees to meet and is just shy, but I think you already know that he won’t and I think you know what that means.

Huggs,

Hoops

So that’s it for this week! Thank for reading and remember, if you have an issue you’d like Dear Hoops to take a crack at just shoot me an email at dearhoops@gmail.com. Have a great week!