Impossible Motherhood: Testimony of an Abortion Addict

By Irene Vilar
Other Press, $15.95, 240 pages

This is a very complex, disturbing, and important book. It is disturbing and important because it is a story of a woman who intentionally becomes pregnant, aborts the pregnancy, and does it again. What most people do not realize is that this is a pattern for millions of American women. Most women aborting their pregnancy have been pregnant before, and know how to prevent a pregnancy if they are truly motivated to do so. Why some do not is the story Vilar tells and, in doing so, opens the door to what is always missing from the abortion discussion: a frank exploration of the power, ambiguity, oppression and opportunity very often associated with women’s sexuality.

The first 200 pages of this memoir chronicles the life of a very disturbed woman whose family circumstances and life choices bring her wave upon wave of misery. Multiple pregnancies and abortions are not the focus of the stories; rather they are described simply as components of the flotsam and jetsam that crash together in her ocean of despair. The reader becomes a weary participant about halfway through, and I thought editing might improve these reminiscences. But it is possible that Vilar wants us to be weary, as she was. It is finally the abject misery born of this weariness that compels her to get well.

The essay that comprises the last 30 pages of the book is outstanding: the insights she shares are very important. Similar to bulimia, repeat pregnancy and abortion use the body as the battlefield for the war if a divided self. She describes her chronic sense of inadequacy, helplessness and disorder building to a tension relieved finally by a pregnancy. For a time then, she could experience euphoria, excitement, and hope. Then, after varying lengths of time, she could only feel disgust and shame for herself and her condition. Leaving the abortion clinic, she experienced a calm respite and surrender.

Vilar’s experience may be extreme: fifteen abortions in fifteen years. But millions of women in America have several abortions (several meaning five, six, or more) between the ages of 16 and 25. This book tells their stories too: stories of trauma, suffering, self-hatred and tragically misguided attempts to find comfort.

Vilar takes a great personal risk exposing her chaotic and brutal decisions. Women who have had multiple abortions will most certainly see themselves with new insights. And the people who want to comfort them will be better equipped to do so. But we will gain the most from Vilar’s bravery if we see in her story the sequela of suffering that are the widespread consequences of sexual ignorance, social injustice, and personal trauma ignored.

Reviewed by Marcia Jo